Memorable quotes from Napoleon Dynomite the movie.
(In chronological order)

Napoleon Dynamite: Last week, Japanese scientists explaced... placed explosive detonators at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness to blow Nessie out of the water. [laughter]  Sir Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance summoned the help of Scotland's local wizards to cast a protective spell over the lake and its local residents and all those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally.

Jock: Hey, Napoleon, what did you do all last summer again?
Napoleon Dynamite: I told you, I spent it with my uncle in Alaska, hunting wolverines.
Jock: Did you shoot any?
Napoleon Dynamite: Yes, like fifty of them.  They kept trying to attack my cousin, what the heck would you do in a situation like that?

Napoleon Dynamite: Hey, could I use your guys's phone for a sec?

Napoleon Dynamite: Can you just go get her for me?
Kip: I'm really busy right now. 
[looks over at the nachos and cheese]

Napoleon Dynamite: You know, there is like a butt load of gangs at this school.  This one gang kept wanting me to join 'cause I'm pretty good with the bowstaff.

Napoleon Dynamite: What kind of bike do you have?
Pedro: It's a Sledgehammer.
Napoleon Dynamite: Dang!  You got shocks, pegs.  Lucky! 
[zoom in on the tiny Mexican flag on the back of the bike]

Kip: [while typing out the poem]

I love the way your sandy hair
Floats in the air
To me it's like a lullaby
I'm just flying by
Oh so high
Like a kite
Tied to a stick..
[incomprehensible]

Kip: Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day.

Rex: [Advertisement] After one week with me in my dojo you will be prepared to defend yourself with the strength of a grizzly, the reflexes of a puma, and the wisdom of a man.

Deb: Well is there anyone else here?  I'm trying to earn money for college.
Kip: Your mom goes to college.

Kip: It'd be nice if you could pull me into town.

[at Rex Kwan Do class]
Rex: Bow to your sensei.
[Kip nods]
Rex: BOW TO YOUR SENSEI!!
[Kip bows]

[on the overhead banner at Rex's self defense class]
I shall never misuse Rex Kwan Do
I shall be a champion of freedom and justice

Rex: Take a look at what I am wearing people!  Do you think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearing these bad boys. [Napoleon shakes head] Forget about it.

Napoleon Dynamite: How long did it take you to grow your mustache?
Pedro: A couple of days.
Napoleon Dynamite: I wish I could grow one.

Napoleon Dynamite: I see that you're drinking one percent.  Is that because you think you are fat?  Cause you're not.  You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.

Napoleon Dynamite
: Tina, come get some ham!  [Tina is a pet llama.  I'm sure that everyone knows that llamas just love to eat ham ;). ]

Napoleon Dynamite: What are you doing here, Uncle Rico?
Pedro: Your grandma took a little spill at the sand dunes today, broke her coccyx.

Uncle Rico: What about your girlfriend?
Kip: Well, things are getting pretty serious right now.  I mean, we chat online for two hours every, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.

Uncle Rico: Back in 82, I used to be able to throw a football a quarter mile.
Kip: Are you serious?
Uncle Rico: I'm dead serious.

Deb: What are you drawing?
Napoleon Dynamite: A liger.
Deb: What's a liger?
Napoleon Dynamite: It's pretty much my favorite animal.  It's like a lion and a tiger mixed.  Bred for it's skills and magic.

Uncle Rico: Before we get started on our new project, I have a few concerns.  First off, I'm concerned about your transportation situation.  I mean, you got a car you can borrow from someone?
Kip: Well that's the problem right now.  At the moment, nothing comes to mind.

Napoleon Dynamite: Well nobody is going to go out with ME.
Pedro: Have you asked anybody yet?
Napoleon Dynamite: No.  But who would?  I don't even have any good skills.
Pedro: What do you mean?
Napoleon Dynamite: You know, like nunchuck skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills.  Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.

Uncle Rico: Now, if you invest into a 24 piece set, I'm a throw in a little gift.
Customer: So what's the gift?
Uncle Rico: I bet you folks don't have one of these.
Customer's wife: I want THAT.

Kip: [After running over a piece of nylon polymer bowl with the vanDang it!

Uncle Rico: Poor kid.  I've been taking care of him while his grandmother's in the hospital.  He still wets the bed and everything.
Tricia's Mother: You're kidding!

Napoleon Dynamite: What the crap was Uncle Rico doing at my girlfriend's house?
Kip: Geez, Napoleon, let go of me, I think you're bruising my neck meat.

[referring to the chickens at the farm]
Napoleon Dynamite: Do the chickens have large talons?

Chicken Farmer: Can't find my checkbook, hope you don't mind if I pay you in change.

Napoleon Dynamite: I like your sleeves.  They're real big.
Deb: Thanks.  I made them myself.

Pedro: Do you think people will vote for me?
Napoleon Dynamite: Heck yes!  I'd vote for you.
Pedro: Like what are my skills?
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, you have a sweet bike.  And you're really good at hooking up which chicks.  Plus, you're like the only guy in school who has a mustache.
Napoleon Dynamite
: If you need to use any one of my skills.  I can do whatever you want.
Pedro
: If I win, you can be my secretary, or something.
Napoleon Dynamite: Sweet!  Plus I can be your bodyguard too, or like secret service captain or whatever.

Kip: So are you ready?
Napoleon Dynamite: Hold on, I forgot to put in the crystals.

Uncle Rico: Napoleon, you know we can't afford the fun pack.  What do you think money grows on trees in this family, take it back.  And get some Pampers for you and your brother while you're at it.

Pedro: They are pretty good, except for one little problem  That little guy right there, he is nipple number five.  A good dairy cow should have like four.

Don: Vote for Summer.
Napoleon Dynamite: Yeah right!  I'm not voting for summer!
Don: Then who are you going to vote for?
Napoleon Dynamite: Pedro Sanchez, who do you think!
[Don scoffs]
Napoleon Dynamite
: Hey Don.  Can I have one of those  buttons?
[Napoleon takes a button, throws it down the hall and runs away]

Kip: So did that guy in Florida give you your money back yet?
Uncle Rico: Oh.  I wrote him an email saying I am going to contact the authorities if I don't get my refund in full.

Uncle Rico: Why don't you sell some to that girlfriend of yours?  You must as well do something while you're doing nothing.
Kip: Because she doesn't need any that's why.

Pedro: Vote for Pedro.
Napoleon Dynamite
: Vote for Pedroh...
Pedro: Vote for Pedro.
Napoleon Dynamite
: Vote for Pedroh...
Pedro: Vote for me.
Napoleon Dynamite
: Vote for Pedroh...
Napoleon Dynamite: Vote for Pedroh...
Pedro: Vote for me.
Napoleon Dynamite: Vote for Pedroh...
Pedro: Vote for Pedro.
Napoleon Dynamite: Vote for Pedroh...
Pedro: Vote for Pedro.
Napoleon Dynamite: Vote for Pedroh...

Napoleon Dynamite: How's your neck?
Pedro: Stings.
Napoleon Dynamite
: That's too bad.
Napoleon Dynamite: Pedro offers you his protection.

Principal: Look Pedro, I don't know how they do things down in Juarez, but here in Idaho we have a little something called  pride, understand?  Smashing in the face of a piñata that resembles Summer Wheatley is a disgrace to you, me, and the entire Gem State.

Principal: I don't understand.  He said you are not allowed to smash piñatas that look like real people, but in Mexico we do it all the time.

Uncle Rico: Would you like to read her testimonial right here...
Rex's wife: "After using Bust Must Plus I have such big bosoms... ."  I don't feel comfortable reading this.
Uncle Rico: Oh that's fine, that's fine, but do you feel comfortable with me?
[picks up two pans and puts and puts them in front of Starla]
Uncle Rico: You could be somewhere around... here.

Summer: Well, I'd never thought I would make it here today.  I would be a great class president because I promise to put two new pot machines in the cafeteria.  And I'm also gonna get a glitter Bonnie bell dispenser for all the girls' bathrooms.  Oh, we're gonna get new cheerleading uniforms.  Anyway I think I'd be a great class president.  Who wants to eat chimmychangas all year long?  Not me. See, with me it will be summer all year long.

Pedro: Hello. I don't have much to say, but I think it would be good to have some holy Santos brought to the high school, to guard the hallways and bring us good luck. ...  And we have a great FFA schedule lined up.  And I'd like to see more of that.  If you vote for me, all of your wildest dreams will come true.

[on the sign at the bus station where LaFawnduh arrives and leaves]
IDAGO BUS LINES Preston Idaho Station

Napoleon Dynamite: I caught you a delicious bass.  You wanna play me?

Kip: [song from the bonus wedding scene]

Why do you love me?
Why do you need me?
Always and forever

We met in a chat room
Where love can fully bloom
Sure the World Wide Web is great
But you, you make me "salvavate"

Yes I love technology
But not as much as you, you see
But I still love technology
Always and forever

Our love is like a flock of doves
Flying up to heaven above
Always and forever
Always and forever

Yes, your love is truly great
Always and forever

Why do you need me?
Why do you love me?

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